I was asked what gets me out of bed in the morning – my answer was easy. The future. I don’t know how old I would have been when this thought process was instilled in my mind. Very young I think.
So when my path has been difficult in so many ways, what do I return to. I imagine what the future might hold, what will my future self be involved in, be experiencing, what will I be a part of, how will I be contributing to the Earth’s forward motion and how will I be feeling about all of this.
I allow my thoughts to get as big as this because it allows me to move through the times which are really really difficult.
Because when life has been really difficult, the seconds tick by very slowly. In my memoir I am writing there are a few sentences about what it was like clock watching in the early days after my stroke. I remember having maybe an itchy nose or being in an uncomfortable position or feeling emotions linked to my current position which could be in no way expressed. There was lots of clock watching going on as I moved through everything silently and invisibly.
I write in the 3 person and here are a couple of sentences about clock watching.
“A clock within her view. It sits above the doorway to her ward. Two areas which bring discomfort. A doorway: watching the ease of entrance when people walk in and out of her space which is now filled with loss and confusion. Aware that the only part of her accompanying them as they move with ease might be the notes attached to a clipboard or the discussion that may happen about her, without her once people have gone. A clock: time which passes ever so slowly.
Sometimes when looking at the time, she is fearful of seeing the lack of movement on the clock face hands when turning her head back from the task of counting bricks outside the window. The second hand is like one of those arrows which is now settling deep in her bones. It’s black, pointed and sharp. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour time moves forward and she feels herself travel with it.”
And here I am still travelling with time. Fully aware of where I am, how I ended up here and if it’s a really bad spot – how I need to be there as long as I need to be, before moving on through. What do I call on in these times, well the fact that I am one person making up a far bigger picture of the world and I am doing the best I can in any given moment. I acknowledge all the horrible things in the world over time and I hope that we can make a shift towards a more peaceful planet. I celebrate all the beautiful things in the world to get to where we are and take my next breath with gratitude. Yes, my mind goes as far and near as that and that’s what helps get me through
At the beginning of a New Year I do feel the anticipation of the unknown.