A Grateful End 2018
I know I've been a bit of an Eeyore lately, I've let things get on top of me. I let go of some of the things that were keeping me grounded and stable.
I often wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I chose to stay home on New Year's Eve instead of going out with my husband, figuring he'd have more fun if he wasn't worrying about me. I'm often scared, and the fears overwhelm me. I don't feel confident with the choices I have had to make, or those that are before me. I feel like a child a lot of the time, not able to make a decision, watching all the other caterpillars go off and become butterflies. Scared that I'll fail. Scared that I won't make the cut. Scared that I'll do more harm than good. Scared that I'm going to ruin everything for others.
Jim Carey gave a speech in which he said "You only have two choices: love and fear." And I realise that much of what I have been subjecting myself to over the past few months is born out of fear. Afraid to be in the wrong place. Afraid that I'm not going to make a good mum. Afraid that I'll do something to hurt members of my family, or make things more difficult for them.
Looking back I have so much to be grateful for, and often it's the small things. The cups of tea made lovingly by my husband. The friends I've made this year. The "how's your day going?" texts. Colleagues checking in, especially after a rough day. Understanding from family members who want to give me an extra hug but realise that I just can't stand the physical touch. The medical staff who took such great care of me, and helped to maintain my dignity through a very rough period of my life.
I don't like making new year's resolutions, but this year I'd like to make a promise to a little person who's joining us in the world in 2019:
I promise to do my best to be the best Mum I can be. I promise to get up every day and try to be happy and give you all the love I can. I promise that you are the most welcome addition to our family and I'll try to get myself ready for when you get here. I may not be the Mum who bakes the best, or makes the best costume, or keeps the cleanest house. But I will be the Mum who loves you the most. I promise not to let fears overwhelm me. I promise to keep trying.
Bring on 2019!