When I was held
WHEN I WAS HELD
In the space between injury and healing
I was held.
I couldn't pin point one specific wound when all the moments gathered, a swirling mass of energy.
An uncertainty of what was next, weighted mist surrounded my very being.
In that time, suspended.
I was held,
Travelling, journeying, returning, beyond, within and before.
Looking out through eyes of wonder.
Breath of gratitude renewing me.
When I very nearly wasn't here to continue life on this earth. I knew I was held during the in between moments.
At 22 years old in 1993 without fully formed ideas on life and death, but with enough curiosity and faith in the bigger picture of life I was in absolute awe of my near death experiences, not only at the time of my stroke but from the previous two weeks as I struggled to survive the development of Early on- set Pre-Eclampsia and the previous harm I had encountered shortly before this. There was a period of 5 or 6 weeks in my life which played at a totally different rhythm to what I was used to. I likened these moments to a crescendo in the symphony of my life at that point. ( It helps to turn to music in times of not knowing how more to explain things!!)
Trying to absorb the loss of our baby and to have the memory of all these moments etched in not only my mind, but my body I really searched for something to - I would say worship at this point.
Being in a position where any communication from me was really difficult to understand. I sat with what I believed to be of utmost importance.
Returning again and again to the fact that if it weren't for some very knowledgeable people, some very good medical treatment and science I would not be alive. Where did I feel this most when I thought about how lucky I was at the time.
In the backs of my upper arms, spreading across my chest and settling in my heart space.
So while I was carted around from therapy to therapy, bed to bathroom, test to test I remained very focused on the stillness thinking about those moments bought to me.
I wanted more than anything to be able to share these moments with no one but my husband. The person who had looked me in the eye at the time of my stroke - when I was going far beyond the bench seat we were sitting on. Who's searching eye's I returned to from a distant place of energy.
We never had the chance to even look at all of this. The system I was in not accommodating any form of spirituality, the preciousness of these moments layered over with practicalities. My communication not allowing the reach of where I needed to go. How sad.
I have been totally raw as I have blogged on EnableMe. I've needed to be, silently holding onto a tad of fear about social media privacy, of not wanting to offend anyone with my openness. Because I knew that if I was going to trust a place where science, medicine, brain injury and spirit combined - I had to start here.
With love and hugs