When you're overwhelmed by life, the universe...and everything
I think this is called procrasti-blogging... blogging when you know there is a million things you have to do but you just can't get motivated do them.
Today is a day I'm feeling overwhelmed by. There's nothing special about today. I don't have to be anywhere much and I have the house to myself. Nothing special has triggered anything. I guess everything is just catching up with me.
It's a day where thoughts just creep in. I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have any medical problems. I long to just jump on a plane without having to cart around all my diabetes paraphernalia, taking twice as much as I need just in case something goes wrong. Having to explain everything to security guards while everyone looks at you like you've done something wrong. I'd like a week where I didn't forget what I was going to the spare room for. Where I didn't forget that I left something at home. Forever backtracking to pick up my keys, my phone, my glasses. Where I could keep up with the conversation in my uni lecture and make a meaningful contribution on the spot. Where my words don't get lost between my brain and my tongue.
That's one thing they never tell you about chronic illness: it never stops. There is no day where I can just forget about my stroke, my diabetes, or any of the other medical problems I have. The rest of my life I have to deal with it. All of my illnesses and disabilities are largely invisible to the outside world. No one can see the struggle. The world sees the front we put on. The big smile to hide the tiredness in our eyes. The cheery greeting to hide our frustration. The bright clothes to cover our dark mood.
All morning I've had this song running through my head, and even though everything feels overwhelming, I know I've survived 100% of everything life has thrown at me so far. I can be brave, I can stand on my own two feet, I can carry the burden of everything life has thrown at me. I'll find where I'm meant to be and make peace with everything.
So what to do in the meantime? Be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack, remember that you're not alone and the world won't end if (insert whatever task you're struggling with) doesn't get done. Go hug a puppy, jump in a puddle, dress in bright yellow, sing "My Favourite Things", whatever you need to do shake the overwhelming feelings.