So far off track ....it hurt
Toni wrote about sewing in a blog this week - it made me think about this.
To look back and think I know exactly where it went in the wrong direction does not phase me - it makes me stronger.
If I were to think about my discharge from rehab and the significance everyone put on telling me what I needed to do, that I needed to set goals, all delivered in loud sugary voices which hurt my tender ears and heart as I swallowed the unknown and uncertainty of what was ahead - I can see and feel exactly what those times were like.
It seemed to please people if I told them what they wanted to hear and because in no way had I been allowed to express myself/grieve in rehab - telling people what they wanted to hear was all I knew.
So when prompts were made about what I could possibly do once home I listened and wondered what I could say to get people OFF MY BACK! By this time my head hurt, it was soooo sore - like a big bruise, my body hurt. I ached with continual pushing in the wrong direction, exhausted from going to sleep at night with so many unheard griefs, so many good byes to people as I prepared for the possibility of not waking up the next day.
So I agreed to something which seemed to please people while it made me feel soooo sick inside - I somehow said I wanted to learn to sew when I went home, wondering if this would make people get out of my face and let me begin to think about everything which was being ignored in rehab.
I didn't want to learn how to sew at all!!! I had tried that and didn't enjoy it. The balancing act of being aware of my very precarious situation was something I was learning to adapt to - survival in this situation was paramount.
Any wonder I do not use the word "goal" when I think about something I want to achieve - if it works for other people or is a word used to plan projects and systems GREAT! I'm all for whatever works to get people to where they want to go.
So to articulate in a poem what that might have been like for me - I wrote this.
TELL ME HOW?
What if I wasn't able to articulate a goal
But I was able to think about a priority - that was never seen, because nobody paid enough attention to what I thought.
So somebody decided to set a goal for me
And that priority did not match what goal I was being asked to reach.
How might that make me feel?
What might that look like?
And how disempowered have I been in that moment
By a system which is there to help me "get better"
Because right now I don't care about what diagnosis is on my health record
I want to feel better
I just want to feel better.