EnableMe | enableme - stroke recovery and support

"So, how is everything going Joel?” Is a question that has started to frustrate me. Not in any way against the person asking the question, as this is almost always asked out of genuine concern and care for my welfare. But maybe it is all in my head, I can’t help but feel there is an unspoken expectation that I am working towards a point where I will be “better”. Given it is approaching five years since my stroke I am suspicious that people are kinda expecting that I will be all completely fixed soon. I won’t be.

The path to recovery has been littered with challenges, most of them very large. But recently I have realized, and I am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea, that despite significant improvements in my physical (and mental) state, I have had a piece of my cerebellum removed and as such there will ALWAYS be limitations to my capability. Do I look at people freely walking around unencumbered by lack of balance and get REALLY jealous? Yes. Of course I do. Do I look at photos of my wife and I on holidays in Italy prior to my stroke and think about it like it was a ‘different’ life? Yep. Do I really wish I could push my daughter on the swing at the park? You bet you sweet patootie I do.

But I can’t. And most likely never will. Does that mean I give up? Hell no. I go to the gym every week, I try and use my left hand for as much as I can, I do eye exercises every morning, every step I take I concentrates on bending my left knee and standing up straight and all the things I have learnt doing rehab. It is almost impossible to express the amount of effort I put into getting better and improving my physical capability. But I have learnt to accept that there are somethings that I may never be able to do. Also, the things I am doing are most likely with me forever. There is not going to be a time in a few months that I won’t have to do eye exercises or complete specific exercises at the gym in order to improve my walking. I am committed to dealing with the effects of my stroke for the rest of my life. Which hopefully is many many years.

I suspect it is an uncomfortable truth to those whom are recovering from stroke and to those who are close to someone afflicted by stroke that recovery is a continual process. There is no completion date. Trust me, I wish there was.
Each day presents its own challenge and opportunity to ‘get better’. And my determination to make each day ‘better’ than the last is never-ending

Hi Joelv,

I enjoyed reading your post this morning while I was preparing myself for the day of rehab. Those feeling that you wrote about, are the ones I feeling with at the moment.

There will never to a time to say, ' I have finally finished with rehab! And can go back to the world I used to know and start again.' No, that life doesn't live with me anymore. My new life is a continuing rehab process that requires me to practice writing, reading, talking, and listening in the hope that my new life will be positive and full of unknown challenges.

But, I will continue with my writing (aphasia is a bastard) either it being my diary, poetry, syllabus, classes etc. I want to create new memories. I am tired of remembering and thinking of the things that I had done. Therefore, each step I take, it takes me further from the past, but closer to my new future.

Marcus

Hi Joelv and Marcus

I share my own total understanding and saying well written and expressed. What you both say makes such sense to me and will make sense to many others no doubt!

Sue