EnableMe | enableme - stroke recovery and support

My name is Nicole, I am 43 years of age and this is my story.

One the day of my stroke I woke up at 1.30 pm. For me, this was unusual. I could have quite easily gone right back to sleep. I had no pain, but I was confused.

The reason I knew something was wrong was when I tried to text a girlfriend. My brain couldn't remember how to spell things, even though I could read fine. My kids were with their dad, I was home alone; I was scared.

I thought a shower would make me feel better, but I still felt odd and my girlfriend came over to take me to the hospital. Although at the time I was more concerned about my frizzy hair, LOL. I was admitted, then I have a blank memory for just over 24 hours. I apparently had a CT scan which showed nothing, then a spinal tap this I do remember because it was painful, this was 24 hours later. Straight after this was done, I was transferred to box hill hospital, there they did an MRI scan, and I was later told on New Year's Eve of 2016 that I'd had a stroke.

I had a stroke on the left side of my brain in the thalamus. This is where the messages pass through in the brain to the body. The first symptom I had was a bad memory, I have to admit it wasn't too flash before but now it's terrible. Sometimes my kids notice that I'm like a record on repeat, my sort term memory is non-existent virtually. If it wasn't for my mum and phone reminders, I wouldn't get much done. Sometimes even with reminders I will forget!! This really hasn't improved much. Fingers crossed!!

Next I had to deal with was depression. Truth be known, I didn't want to be here. I didn't want my life with so many changes in it, a life I wasn't enjoying. I know it sounds selfish as I could have had physical effects to deal with as well, but scrambled egg brain is quite frankly, no fun either. Anti-depressants have helped, and I don't feel this way as much anymore. Depression is life altering and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I also don't understand social behaviour, whether things will hurt a person’s feelings for example. I see things in black and white, to me grey areas I know are there but I don't understand this either. It's like I know how I should react, but I don't feel things like this like I used to.

Sometimes I don't get humour, this is upsetting as it was a huge part of my personality. But not getting jokes depends on how tired I am.

Fatigue is the biggest most frustrating part of this whole process. It's not like the usual tiredness I used to feel, it's consuming. I can't hear what people are saying to me sometimes, things make no sense. And when I'm fatigued, I can't talk properly. I have managed to stop a stutter that developed through speech therapy, but I have to still to this day concentrate on what comes out of my mouth. It's exhausting. Any little thing I do, makes my fatigue levels go through the roof.

I did try to return to work, but the concentration it took was insane. I would pretty much be wiped out for two days, and that was only 2 hours work, sounds easy, but so not. Unfortunately for me, being a single mum, it makes me feel useless that I have to rely on other income than what I can provide for my family. I've used most of my separation finances, and moved back in with my mum to share the burden of bills. Unfortunately for me I am unable to get disability pension, as to why, you tell me and we will both know LOL.

Luckily for me, the wonderful ladies from ‘chicks for charity’ put on a fundraising lunch, for this I am forever grateful, but it is really hard when you realise you are a charity case.

As for my social life, I'm trying. Trying not to let this stroke be so consuming in my life that I don't have one. Again being social was a big part of who I was. I miss this part of life so much. I've had to say no to quite a bit, but sometimes I just say to myself to hell with it. Going out also puts me on the couch for a few days. So I need to accept the changes, I can't work (for now) I can't drink (ever) going out makes me tired (but I refuse to rot away on the couch) I'm trying to be a good mother (hopefully my kids think so LOL)......But I'm still alive, I'm so thankful I get to see my kids grow up. They are the reason I'm still here. My family and good friends are my rock.

Hi Nicole,

Sorry to read about your stroke, but I suppose most of us have had a stroke recently or years ago. I was interested in reading about fatigue and depression, as this is what I have at the moment. My stroke was 2 years ago, yet I continue to have fatigue. It took me a long time to explain to family and friends how tired I am very day. I used to say that 'I am feeling very tired', so they would say 'Have a sleep' but that didn't really work. What I started to use the term ' I am cognitive fatigue, so I am going to shut down my brain.' A simple phrase, but I allowed me to show everyone what I am physically strong, however, my brain is tired and confused.

Depression is a bugger. I have just started a three-month leave of absence due to anxiety, stress and depression. But I can already feel a little better as I move away for work - I am a English teacher in Japan (double the problems with aphasia in both English and Japanese).

I have enjoyed reading your honest story of how you have found life for you post stroke.

What you have described about not understanding why someone would make a joke to hurt anothers feelings. This make sense to me that you found social occasions difficult.

Do you find other things funny? I know myself I have little time for humour which involves subtle put downs of others, this doesn't bother me as I know I have a great sense of humour. I particularly like laughing at myself as I am by no means perfect. In saying that - what you have described caused me much confusion during recovery.

For your future- you know you best and it's your recovery to find out what works for you and what doesn't. It's great that you have some understanding people around you:-)

I wish you all the very best!!