EnableMe | enableme - stroke recovery and support

I've been a bit quiet on the blog-front lately, partly out of busy-ness and partly because everyday is a struggle. I've spent a lot of time in my 'dark forest': anxiety, depression, fears, an overwhelming feeling that I'm just not coping. I'm standing on the brink of huge changes in my life. Watching friends having babies and coping beautifully most of the time. Not having the challenges that I am faced with. Sure, they have challenges, all new mothers do. But I can't help looking at them and wishing I didn't have all the worries and concerns I carry. At 16 weeks I've had 7 appointments at the hospital already, an extra two with my OB, seen so many different doctors and other medical staff I can't even recall their names, had so many tests and scans and I can't recall a time when I've genuinely been enjoying the experience. I've had moments of happiness, like when we told our families and saw the baby on the ultrasound, but the rest of the time I've been worried and stressed. Trying to read all the literature they give you and take it all in, make the best choices, eat right, drink enough, keep my glucose levels stable, don't get upset, exercise...

I really wanted this to be a pleasant experience. I really wanted to enjoy this time in my life.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't doctors and other health care providers understand that for some of us it's the most terrifying experience of our lives? For some of us life is more challenging.

I really want to enjoy this time. I want to be happy that there is a little person growing inside me.

But it's not that easy. I've always had to work hard to keep depression at bay. I'm tired. And I'm tired of feeling tired. Meditation seems like a distant memory. I just can't find the time. Between managing morning sickness, fatigue, the heat, Christmas (and all that entails), I've had to let a lot of self-care slide.

I wish I was in the Wood Between the Worlds. That magical realm where anything is possible. C.S. Lewis' book "The Magician's Nephew" has a place where there is a way into all the worlds from a wood.

It's peaceful and green and the possibilities are endless. Explore the many places on offer. Find a place where I feel at home and safe. And then come back here and take everyone I love and care for to that place.

I've always found a refuge in reading. And reading is a bit like jumping into one of the pools in the Wood Between the Worlds: you never know where you'll end up. For a while I can live in a world where it's not me who's struggling just to get out of bed, where the hero of the story finds a way to balance everything and resolve the conflict in the story.

When will I find my equilibrium again? When will I feel more positive about this whole experience instead of worrying that something will go wrong?

Thinking of you Kat, and sending you as many good vibes as I can muster.

Plus StrokeLine 1800 787 653 is there if you need them XX

- Diana

Hi Kat,

Get it all out in the right place.

I do recall being so determined not to have all that medical stuff take over my pregnancies. I wanted to include Adrian as much as possible so he did not feel left out when soooo much attention was on me. I became very good at three way conversations! Even with Aphasia and communication difficulties.

And I talked to our unborn babies during my pregnancies.

I felt the fear and continued on.

Keep writing and keep feeling.

Sue xo

Hi Sue,

thanks for understanding. I know you've been there and worse! We try to make an effort to talk to Button, we read a story every night from one of my collection of picture books. It may seem strange to some, but it's my way of trying to forge a connection between us. I'm very used to speaking to children and telling stories, but hubby needs the practice!!

I'm definitely continuing with the blogs, they are helpful in at least getting things out of my head and heart!

Kat x