Finding Peace
It's been 5 days since the decision was made for me.
I guess not having a choice in the matter has made it easier and harder. Easier because someone else made the decision and I didn't have to. I knew it was a possibility but my brain just wasn't up for it. Harder because I was only given 11 days to come to some sort of equilibrium with it. Harder because instead of 4 weeks to get everything ready, I only got 1.
Caesarean it is. Next week. My "to do" list was only half done. And I'm afraid all the enjoyable things I planned to do have been the ones to be culled from the list first. My family rallied around last weekend and helped me get the important things done, like cleaning, putting down the new rugs so the house would be warmer, getting some of the nursery set up. Mum has ferried me to appointments with the anaesthetist, the GP, taken me to my friend's house so I can borrow her baby capsule. Everything seems to be happening at once and the feeling of being overwhelmed is creeping up.
So how do you find peace in all the chaos around you? How do you prepare for the events of the day when sleep eludes you?
- Make a list of things you have to do and check them off. Write them down as soon as you remember you need to do them.
- Let people help. It may not be done the way you want, but the reality is - it's done.
- Stand up for yourself, advocate for what you need. Accept sensible suggestions, even if it’s not what you originally planned on. Choose your battles.
- Take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Get as much information as you can, make yourself familiar with it so there are no surprises.
- Breath.
- Try to keep your routine. And keep busy. Don’t let yourself be alone too much, ensure you have back up when things start to get on top of you.
- Let go.
- Breath.
- Focus on the goal, not on the hard work it’s taking to achieve it.
- Breath.
- Breath some more.
- Make a relaxing playlist.
- And breath.
I think I’ve accepted that this is the path I have been given. I’m trying to focus on the positives: no long, drawn-out labour; no last-minute decisions when everything is suddenly going wrong; in less than an hour we’ll have our precious bundle; I won’t be in any pain; it’s planned and timed so that takes away some of the anxiety about when and how.
So now it's just the emotional stuff. Sorting through my feelings about not being able to move, not being in control of bodily functions, or my body for that matter, controlling the anxiety, the endless "what ifs", my rational mind working hard to conquer the doubts of the irrational mind. Give it time. Cut yourself some slack. And tell yourself that no matter what, you're doing an awesome job.
Just thought I'd share the fabulous photo my Mum took of my husband and I last weekend. A little moment of peace for us.