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Impulsive brain

Belindaon December 09, 2016

5 Comments

So i am 2 years post stroke next month, my last post here was regarding how to welcome a new identity, that was a year ago. Since then, I've let people go in my life that fail to understand me or poor pressure on me to be who i used to be before i had the stroke. I learnt that the issues they were having are mostly their own, making me think they were mine. What else do i do except show them the door that leads or if my life. These people are closest to me which hurt the most. 1 my best friend, 1 my own sister. I have no words, they just didn't get my struggles and i felt like i was put in their too hard baskets. That's fine. I am ok with it but i have questioned myself as to whether or not my attitude towards their feelings was inappropriate or called for. I can only support myself as it seems im the only 1 who feels the way i do. I don't have the emotional abilities to empathise with them and i won't be told how to feel or what i SHOULD say. Nothing i say is taken for how i mean it and seems to be half the issue. I am very blunt if i feel a certain way and it doesn't seem to matter who i am talking to, i just say it ignoring my broken filter for considering what others might feel if i say what i need to get out. 2 years and I still forget things, still get tired, still can't concentrate, i am also very random in my decision making. Eg. I have had long hair most of my life and it will be cut off today as i woke this morning cranky at it. I decided in oct i wanted to take my son travelling to get away from his teen 'fresh break up with a girl' who had done wrong by him, with my husband unable to make a decision if he wanted to come or not, i booked 2 tickets and took my son to Thailand for 7 days and we did some lost Mother/son bonding and had a great time. I didn't realise until after i booked the tickets how much it effected my husband tar i would just do it and not take him along. My argument was i asked him to go and he ummed and ahh'd about it so i did what i do nowadays and acted in impulse without considering anyone else. Does anyone else do this? I feel like everyone around me thinks I'm cold and heartless and I'm not site if it's that our if i just appreciate how short life is and i need to get our there and live it. I won't be held back (by anyone it seems). My husband ended up helping us with tour details and plans for our holiday and i went alone. Our son is 16 and never travelled. I messed up the tour days but majority of our holiday was 'take it as it comes' we survived and will tick it away with our memories now. Im starting to get lost in why i was writing this but i guess i would like to know if anyone lives on impulsive decisions since stroke or if i need to maybe get some help on how to be more calculated worth my decision making lol. Crazy chick i am ;). Hope everyone is having a marvellous day :D

5 Responses

Nina Wilde

09/12/2016 09:26

Hey Belinda

A great description about the utter confusion the post stroke emotions/behaviors can be! Two years on - yes life can be difficult.

I get that you suddenly wanted short hair - why not it can grow again! I had to smile at the thought of you and your son over in Thailand problem solving together..... my goodness the benefits you have shown your son in even attempting something like this and the resilience to see it through! The ability to go with the flow and be spontaneous is something which I cherish and something which my husband and three children are familiar with. I haven't done an overseas trip however I certainly have the desire to keep on being spontaneous. And I was always thinking of others during my recovery - I hoped they would see the need I had to feel joy just as I watched on when they needed to do something, just for the joy of it! I am sorry your hubby is feeling somewhat left out now - keep leading the way in your need to feel and live! Smell the roses together :-)

Oh the words that can come out of one's mouth - they can be so confusing, the mere act of wanting to contribute to a conversation and then seeing the words tumble out and then going "hmm that didn't come out the way I mean't it too".

And seriously the lack of concentration, I found that doing repetitive tasks - eg brain training games, reading, practising meditiation, visualisation such powerful tools.

I remember hanging up on my mum, my sister as they explained to me what I should be doing and for me to think. I even replied that "All I do is think" I thought constantly about the next time I would be with people and what I would be asked and how I would respond. Being told I looked great when I felt just the opposite.

Are you humorous - do you laugh at yourself in these absurd situations? The main way through for me was laughing at myself and hoping that one day life would make more sense. And it has.

Changes came rapidly yet not in recovery I found. Keep being you and continue to live and laugh.

All the best

Sue

Carol Simpson

09/12/2016 22:12

To both Belinda and Sue

My husband is 2 1/2 yrs post stroke and he is no different to either of you as far as tiredness, saying things without filters and moodiness.

I was the assertive one, get up do your exercises, watch what you're saying, trying to get our life back to where it was with friends and family and always worrying about everything else thinking he'll fall back in where he left off. All this was causing major arguments and angst within our relationship big time.

It was only about 3 months ago I said stuff it. I gave up trying to recreate yesterday and we are now moving forward one day at a time towards living with what life has thrown at us. We have become more accepting of what life is now for us. He is now rebuilding his life in his own time with exercising and doing things for himself.

Moral of the story, let them deal with things in their own time.

Good luck Carol.

Belinda

28/01/2017 13:16

God I love how I can come here and feel normal (somewhat). As for your comment Sue about what you'll be asked next time you are around people. So true but I tend to just avoid people these days. I'm great at making plans but I'm even greater at cancelling last minute. I have the longest excuse list. Tonight I deactivated my facebook account as I feel that my close friend's post constantly refer to a friend (you know, of a friend) that simply doesn't put in the same effort as them anymore and it's hard to keep making the effort - You know the ol memes and inspirational quote things. I got fed up tonight, politely tried to join the discussion with MY perception, only to get shut down by other random people commenting in agreeance with the post itself. It was escalating and I tried to withdraw and leave it but the ol phone starts making alerts that someone's tagged me and it's this same post asking me to be more elaborate on my situation. My reply was brief: Well, I don't plaster my personal matters on facebook for people that don't even know me to have an opinion of. I'm already constantly watching what I say anyway. There's only so many ways I can water things down, but there's always a crowd that will still get offended no matter what. Hoping that will take my mind off trying to keep up with the world. Going back to old fashioned :if they want to talk to me and know my number, call me or know where I live? visit. Facebook posts & comments will go on being misunderstood and perception of me is the individuals problem. I think I really could benefit from talking to someone mutual as I just feel like I'm still sinking. It's not a good feeling at all and I thought 2 years was my advised time to see improvements. Doctors seem to see everything as normal and don't follow up and you tend to get left to swim your way out alone. I try so hard to be positive but on days like this, I look back and feel those positive moments were just fantasy of how I'd like to see myself. I want to be happy and to be empathetic again but I just don't have the knack anymore. I told my husband last week that I'm not happy in our relationship and I think our marriage has hit a point of him saying stuff it too, he's just such a man and too scared to be as direct as I am in fear of looking like the bad guy or bad Father (and he's a great Dad). Being the independent type I am, I go into automatic planning. How can I do this on my own? What are my financials like without him? How can I look after the kids on my own? etc etc. Impulsive brains starts coming into effect. It's really sad being that our 15th anniversary is next month :(

StrokeLine

12/12/2016 23:45

Hi Belinda,

Thank you for sharing where you are at right now. I love the spontaneity of getting your hair cut and the desire to live your life to the fullest. Most people don't have the courage to do such things! Many stroke survivors say that having their stroke reminds them of the fragility of life and encourages them to start living life more fully. It sounds like the stroke has changed you and your personality. This isn't necessarily for the worse but it has impacted on those around you understandably. Some friends and family you have had to let go of while others are adjusting to the new you.

Letting go of toxic people or people that no longer light us up or feel good to be around is not selfish, it can be very sensible. However with that of course can come feelings of sadness, grief, loss and self-doubt (have we done the right thing?). You mention nothing you say is taken for how you mean and your broken filter. Do you have a psychologist or health professional you can discuss this with? Bouncing things off someone neutral can be helpful if you're having any doubts about your communication and personality. It sounds like you have good awareness of your fatigue, memory and concentration as well as impulsive decision making. Having awareness is the first step if you're wanting to continue to work on these things.

Carol has shared fantastic advice. Trying to go back to how things were in the past made things worse and acceptance and taking things for how they are, moment by moment, helped. Do you think your husband is still adjusting to the new you? Hopefully he can celebrate the new parts of you, the spontaneous, live life to the fullest parts! If this is new for him, it may take him more time to adjust. Change can be scary. Open and clear communication is not a bad thing but if you're more direct than before this will naturally take time to adjust to. As Sue suggests humour can really help in these situations, also in our relationships with our loved ones.

If you would like to talk further with one of our health professionals, don't hesitate to call us on StrokeLine on 1800 787 653.

Best wishes,

Simone (Occupational Therapist for StrokeLine)

Belinda

28/01/2017 13:18

Thanks Simone, I might just do that. I'm not that great at expressing or explaining in conversation but I tend to rave on in writing lol. My way of hiding behind the truth and showing raw feelings. I hve become very good at hiding the way I truly feel and it's not to my advantage at all because I block people out = pushing people away :/

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Impulsive brain

Belindaon December 09, 2016

5 Comments

5 Responses

Nina Wilde

09/12/2016 09:26

Hey Belinda

A great description about the utter confusion the post stroke emotions/behaviors can be! Two years on - yes life can be difficult.

And seriously the lack of concentration, I found that doing repetitive tasks - eg brain training games, reading, practising meditiation, visualisation such powerful tools.

Are you humorous - do you laugh at yourself in these absurd situations? The main way through for me was laughing at myself and hoping that one day life would make more sense. And it has.

Changes came rapidly yet not in recovery I found. Keep being you and continue to live and laugh.

All the best

Sue

Carol Simpson

09/12/2016 22:12

To both Belinda and Sue

My husband is 2 1/2 yrs post stroke and he is no different to either of you as far as tiredness, saying things without filters and moodiness.

Moral of the story, let them deal with things in their own time.

Good luck Carol.

Belinda

28/01/2017 13:16

StrokeLine

12/12/2016 23:45

Hi Belinda,

If you would like to talk further with one of our health professionals, don't hesitate to call us on StrokeLine on 1800 787 653.

Best wishes,

Simone (Occupational Therapist for StrokeLine)

Belinda

28/01/2017 13:18

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Impulsive brain

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