3am
It's 3am. And once again 3am sees me awake. As I was rocking my son back to sleep after a bottle, I was thinking about how many 3am's I've seen. Before my strokes I'd seen very few 3am's. The occasional VERY late night of assignment writing or marking assessments, a few nights of illness. But 3am was for dreaming mostly.
After my strokes, 3am saw me prowling the house, pacing up and down in a panic, never able to settle, never able to calm down: 3am stood for fear. Those months right after, my mental health was terrible. I hadn't been given enough information or care to know that it was okay to sleep. I kept my lonely vigil and my silence.
In the last couple of years, 3am has taken on a different meaning. 3am was "loo-o'clock" (so was midnight, 1am, 2am, 4am... please child! Stop sitting on my bladder!). The 3am became "bottle-o'clock" (along with midnight and 6am...).
In more recent times, as the need for middle-of-the-night bottles declines, 3am hasn't been dominated by babyness. In fact it's a rarity these days. But 3am still sees me awake sometimes. Sometimes I can't turn my brain off. Worrying about the troubles at work. Worry about uni assignments. Worrying about Ollie, or hubby or other family members.
Ironically, 3am is sometimes when my best ideas show up. I suddenly have a rare brainwave of genius and if I don't act on it, and record it, by morning it's gone. Lost down one of the many cracks that have appeared in my brain. Along with my Mum's cutlery set, my wedding, and my ability to run.
3am is for dreamers. 3am is for writers, poets, artists, musicians (although very quietly!). 3am is for mums gently rocking babes back to dreams. 3am is for mums dreaming about a different life: the one they used to live; the one their child will live; the one they hope they will reclaim.
3am is the time when I have peace. No one is around wanting something. I can just be me. Not "Kat the Mum", not "Kat the Librarian", not "Kat the Wife", not "Kat the Stroke Survivor". Just me. I have big dreams. I dream I can be anything and do anything. I can keep up at 3am, I can even get ahead. I can climb Machu Pichu, or swim in the Mediterranean. I can write freely... thread beads... create... my hands can do anything.
Yes, 3am is for dreaming. Whether my eyes are shut or open. 3am is for dreaming.