Nobody Else is Going to Put it Right for Me
I had an interesting conversation this morning with my personal trainer at the gym. We were talking about how some people persevere with things and some people just can't get past certain challenges, like another PT client who "can't" lift anything, "can't" push/pull anything and "can't" put up with any kind of discomfort. This client ended up quitting. I was stunned to think that an aching knee or shoulder could cause someone to quit.
Disclaimer: this is not to disrespect those with legitimate injuries or disabilities that actually stop them from exercising.
We all have times where we feel helpless and hopeless, where everything is an effort - but we usually get back up and start again when we feel better. My stroke happened when I was 30. I was very fit, doing PT, ballroom dancing twice a week and running on the other days. I did tai chi and meditated. I was a fit and active person, working in a job I loved (albeit a stressful one). I had overcome the challenges involved with being a type 1 diabetic, having numerous other health conditions which I managed really well. In the immediate aftermath, I worked hard to learn to walk, speak, give my own insulin injections again, read, write and socialise. I went through periods of depression, panic attacks and anxiety. But I overcame them. They still occasionally rear their heads, but I have a great support network.
After my first year back at work, my husband and I treated ourselves to a Christmas date to see Matilda: the Musical and have High Tea in the city. I had found the previous year immensely challenging, I felt like a first year out teacher again, and like my first year, I made a deal with myself: give it 5 years, if you still struggle, do something else. I made it through 2.5 years of teaching before the writing was on the wall for me: I had to do something else.
I think it was actually seeing the musical that made me start thinking about taking control of my life again. Matilda says "nobody else is going to put it right for me, nobody but me is going to change my story", and that you don't have to just "grin and bear it". Matilda loved reading, and reading was her gift and gave her a way to escape. I love reading, and that seems to be the seed thay slowly began to shoot in my brain. It would take 16 months for the seed to sprout into an idea, and further 6 months to have my leave approved, and another 10 months for me to decide to resign from my permanent position. But now I am nurturing the seedling that started with Matilda. I'm back studying a Master of Education: Teacher Librarianship. Ok, I'll admit, the librarian in Matilda was one of my favourite characters, and maybe that was one of the seeds that sprouted.
Matilda reminded me that "even if you're little you can do a lot", and that I "mustn't let a little thing like little stop me." I had to get into a mindset where I didn't "think the ending was fixed already". I reminded myself that it was almost impossible for me to walk when I had the stroke: I persevered with the pain, the lack of control and strength and I walked out of the hospital unaided. I reminded myself that I couldn't read after I had the stroke: I persevered with the fatigue and frustration and now I read without so many challenges. I remind myself that even though I have lost many of my abilities, I have strength and perserverence, an indomitable will and a spirit they will never crush. "Can't" is not in my vocabulary.
So thank you, Matilda, Roald Dahl, and Tim Minchin for bringing Matilda into the world, and giving hope and a message: you are not alone. And yes, sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty...