Coming to terms with things.

At about 1:30pm on May 1st, my life changed dramatically, and I wouldn't be aware of it until about midday on May 8th.

I thought I was experiencing an extremely bad migraine. I had a visual aura, which is nothing new to me, although I normally get a migraine about 20 mins after that occurs. This time it occurred immediately.
I felt myself leaning left, had momentary trouble swallowing, and lost feeling in the entire right hand side. I couldn't really control my hand, I had trouble walking steadily, and my headache was the worst I've ever experienced.

I was at work, and figured it was a combination of dehydration, and migraine that I felt so shitty.
I took a rest in my car for about 2 hours, but still felt very nauseous, so I drove home.
I slept pretty much from about 4pm to 5 am the next morning.

My wife Bec was concerned that I woke up with an extremely bad headache again, so she insisted that I take the day off work and go to the doctor.

This is where everything unravels.

I had been training for about 3 months to run a 44km trail race at Wilson's Promontory on Saturday the 4th of May.
As you can imagine, this is not the ideal taper week.

My doctor (A GOD!) Dr Lauren Boucher at Carrum Downs Medical Centre, is amazing. I can not thank her enough for everything.
Well, I had just moved to the area, so I had to explain my family history to her. She was concerned with my families history of stroke, and the symptoms that I had explained to her, even despite the fact that they only really lasted about 2 hours.
She sent me to Frankston Hospital for a CT scan.

It was discovered in the CT scan that I had something strange going on, and it was an "educated guess" that it was a 12mm cystic structure on my brain. Due to the fact that I couldn't have an MRI that night, I was sent home.

I was contacted to have an MRI the next day.

The MRI occurs at about 5pm on the Friday night.
Having trained for months my attention was on the ultra-marathon I was due to run. The nurse in the radiology department told me with no hesitation that I was fine to run, and that they will contact me on the Monday with my results.

It later comes out that they had my results on the Friday night, but never contacted anyone.

I ran the ultra on the Saturday.

I thought I was fit enough for anywhere between 4.5 hours to 6 hours.
Very early on, it was clear to me that I was in for a long day.
I was easily fatigued, and my legs seemed to not want to move.
I was running the race as a tribute to my late grandfather.
At 40 years old he suffered a severe stroke, and had to learn to walk again. He was fit, although a big drinker and smoker.
As he recovered, he decided to run the Frankston to Melbourne marathon. Something he did 4 times.
When he passed away in February, I decided to grow my moustache out in honour, and dedicate the race to him.
Somewhere between 25 - 30 km I remember cursing him. I looked to the sky, very emotionally distraught, and asking him why the fuck he wasn't helping me out.
It was confusing to me, as I was as fit as I'd ever been.
I chalked it up to the inconsistency of the last couple of days, and just succumbed to a long outing in the wilderness.
I managed to finish in about 6.5 hours.

I never hear from the hospital, and they deny ever telling me that they would contact me.
By Wednesday I'm extremely concerned and frustrated.
Instead I contact my angel of a Dr, and she gets a verbal reading of my MRI results.
She sends me back to hospital.

I spend from Wednesday night, until Saturday afternoon in the hospital.
Bare in mind, I have not been admitted to the hospital until literally a week after I have had a stroke.
The hospital were awful in their care for me, but that's a story for another time.
I eventually found out that I have multiple areas of acute infarcts.
I have high blood pressure, and my fasting bloods show signs of high cholesterol.

I'm confused.
I'm a fit 30 year old, that eats what I believe to be a relatively healthy diet, that rarely drinks, and occasionally smokes.
How do I have a stroke?
Why am I ok?
A hole in my heart was discovered, but even then it was so small that whether or not they close the hole is still up in the air.
I guess my grandpa WAS looking out for me the whole time.

It is now the 4th of June, and I still don't know.

There have been no answers as to why I had a stroke 5 weeks ago.
My doctors have been trying to tell me that that is a good thing, but it's kind of hard to accept. I almost wish that there was a definitive reason, so it would all make sense.
Right now they have me hooked up to a holter monitor 24hrs a day for a week to see if I have AF.
If not, then there is not really any ideas as to why.

For 15 years I have struggled with my mental health, so it is kind of strange to have your brain try and kill you in another way.
I have got a second chance, and I have no idea why. It's extremely hard to understand, and it's hard to accept.

I decided to run the half marathon at Run Melbourne for The Stroke Foundation.
Instead of begging for sympathy, it gives me an opportunity to tell my story, be heard, but also focus my energy on helping people rather than dwelling on everything.
I managed to raise 200% of my goal in the first night.
It has given me something to strive for, and given me a purpose that has been missing in being stuck at home.

I have muscle weakness, and I fatigue very easily, but I have managed to escape the stroke with no signs of disability or any hindrance.
I am just terrified.

I miss my independence, although fingers crossed I can drive again on Friday.
I miss not having to note "stroke" on insurance, superannuation, etc.
I miss the naivety that I was a healthy 30 year old.
I miss not knowing how close I was.

It is hard to deal with that the only damage I seem to have is all in my head. Almost like it is not vindicated because people can't notice it.

Hopefully I can go back to work next week, but I'm dreading it.
I guess it is the fear of the unknown.

I am lucky. I am well aware of that.
My battle is nowhere near as bad as some of the people I shared a ward with, and I don't envy that at all.
That doesn't mean I'm not faced with some demons from the ordeal.

I'm hoping that I get some answers soon.
Until then, I guess I just have to keep running.