Martia Martinez on the struggle to rebuild connections

I thought I was having one of those nightmares where you think you can’t move, but then I thought, surely I’ll wake up soon. Then I saw my mother standing at my bedside, and that’s when I thought to myself “Wait a minute, this is not happening since last thing I remember, mum was in Spain, and I was in Australia.” Then I tried to speak, and nothing would come out. It suddenly hit me, this was not a nightmare, and I was already awake.

That is what you call a rude awakening! Yes it was true, I was in hospital, and they had just saved my life after a very severe stroke. What I learnt later, and this is something that my husband doesn’t like to talk about, is that the doctors approached him to donate my organs, and that thanks to him I’m still alive.

Why did this happen?

Phew, I survived that one! Barely, just barely. What ensued then, was a series of soul searching questions – why me? I was a very active mother of three, then in a flash, I lost my independence. I still don’t know why but I have now stopped asking myself that question. It is what it is, and that’s that. It has taken me a long time to arrive at this conclusion, but I have learnt to let the question go for the sake of my family.

A life changing event for everyone

The children have had to adapt to having a mum who can’t walk, or talk normally. Some days, they were angry. Sometimes when I picked them up from kindergarten they would ignore me. There were many times when I would stand in front of Childcare discussing with my carers the best way to get the children to say hello to mum. Yes, it has been tough for all of us, specially my husband who is still in shock.

Also my family in Spain are still coming to terms with what has happened. For example, we all went to Spain to spend Christmas last year with my family. All my childhood girlfriends organised a get together party. For the first time, I was taking the children on an outing without my husband. Well, I was afraid that the children would get bored, and ask for daddy. To my great surprise, the children had a great time, and they didn’t want to run home to dad. It has taken the children a long time to accept their mum, and I still don’t know if they have got used to having a special mum.

A long journey to acceptance

Acceptance is the one thing I have to work on. I still have not accepted what happened to me four years ago. However, keeping the family together is one of the most important things in my life. I have three beautiful children, and it gives me great pleasure to see them grow and develop. I should also mention, I have a very supportive husband who shows every day how patience goes a long way. It is for this reason that I have learnt to accept the misunderstanding of others.

I’d like to share something funny that happened to me on my way to Spain. I have a travel companion called Angel as I have to always travel with support. The reason why I’ve chosen this name for her is because she has to endure the long trip to Spain with me. Angel has to help me to eat, she has to prepare the lovely thickened water I have to drink… not to mention taking me to the loo in such a confined space. That’s why she deserves the name.

During the trip, something very scary happened. We had a stopover in Dubai at the big airport in the middle of the desert. Almost everybody uses wheelchairs to go from A to B. Angel and I became separated. That’s when a very unfriendly officer dressed in a burka asked me to go inside her booth.

Once inside, she asked me to stand. I answered as politely as I could that if she could hold me, I could try. She didn’t understand me and ordered me out of the chair. At this point, I got very scared and started screaming for my friend Angel. When the officer understood, that the wheelchair was not a fashion statement, she apologised and let me go.

Don’t ignore me!

There are many instances like these where people don’t know how to address someone like me. Sometimes they shout, sometimes they speak in slow motion and sometimes they talk about me as if I wasn’t there. An example of this is what happened to me once I arrived in Spain. After a very long trip, we finally arrived in Madrid airport, and because I travel in a wheelchair, the airline provides additional support. When the support lady arrived to help us, she started asking questions to my friend about me. Does this lady stand, does this lady walk, and so on. The questionnaire, added to the very long trip, got me a bit hot under the collar and I decided to respond to the young lady, thinking she wouldn’t understand.

“This lady talks,” I offered. To my great surprise she understood me just fine. From that moment on, she addressed me directly. No more questions to my friend about me as if I was invisible.

Overall, I try to make light of these situations. Like my psychologist says, I shouldn’t take life so seriously. I know I’ve been given a second lease on life, and that’s what’s important. The rest is not important.

Article Via Synapse Bridge Magazine Volume 19