EnableMe | enableme - stroke recovery and support

Life is full of challenges. For some people it's easy to face the challenges, they seem to be born equipped with the necessary to overcome their obstacles. For others, our challenges can overwhelm us and the way ahead is less obvious.

One goal I had this holidays was to listen to the "We've Got This" podcast about parenting with a disability. I have listened to them and my heart just breaks hearing some of the stories about children being removed, parents not having the support they need to enable them to live the lives they wanted and dreamed of, people making decisions for them. I've discovered it's a very fine line between balancing the rights of people with a disability and the rights of those who will potentially be impacted by their choices. As humans we are very quick to judge others sometimes. And I've experienced first hand the prejudice some people hold. As a teacher I'm a big believer in tailoring the assistance we give to the individual needs of the person. I've been criticised for "doing too much" when I know that what I'm doing is making a difference. Making THE difference.

Yes, for many years I questioned my right to have children. I know it will impact my family. But doesn't every child? It's added expense for every family, one more person to buy gifts for, to buy food and clothes and nappies and goodness knows what else for. Room needs to be made for an extra person. Time needs to be set aside for them.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been trying to make a real effort to overcome my fears and my disconnect with my baby. I've sought out a better birth program than just the huge group classes run by hospitals. I may do both, for reassurance. I've been researching online and asking friends what has worked for them. And while I'm not there yet, I'm trying to find a way forward.

Last week was our morphology scan. I can say that it was one of the most stressful times so far. In my husband's family there is a strong history of cleft lip and cleft palate. We were both consumed with worry over whether our little one would have some kind of disability. The scan took ages because apparently... I'm growing a wriggle monster. Button just wouldn't stay still! The nurse wanted to see the face - hands in front of the face. Okay, lets see the feet - alright I'll start moving them! Hands - lets put them behind our head... you get the picture! Eventually we got done and got the all-clear. Everything looks normal.

So what now? What can I do to continue improving things for myself? I've joined a pregnancy after stroke Facebook group, I'm making a concerted effort to read the information I've been given. We read to Button every night. I'm letting myself get excited and even did some baby shopping.

One of the most important things I think I've done for myself is start to crochet a baby blanket. After my stroke I had this idea in my head that if I could teach myself a new skill, I could overcome anything. My grandmother and aunty had repeatedly tried to teach me to crochet as a child and I just couldn't master the skill. But post-stroke I made a real effort to learn. It took a while but eventually I mastered it! It became 'my thing' to make every new baby in my friendship and family circles - a baby blanket. In the last four years I think I've crocheted 15 blankets. I realised that it was important to me to do this, I've done them as "welcome to the world" presents for everyone else, it's time I did one for Button.

I've also made an effort to talk to Button, the conversation usually starts with "Button, this is what happens when Daddy (insert random silly thing that hubby has done)... Mummy gets cranky with him", usually met with a gale of laughter from hubby... and a sheepish bowing of the head in shame! But there has also been conversations like "Button, we're going to make dinner now - what would you like Mummy to eat?" and "Hey Button - thanks for deciding jam is a better option on toast - I'm tired of vegemite!" and "Thanks for letting Mummy have fish for dinner, we need some meat in our diet."

Slowly I'm fumbling my way forward. I know it's not going to be an easy road, and it for new parents, it never is. Some things come naturally to people, some things are more challenging. I want a connection with my baby, and yes, it is challenging, but it's something I'm willing to fight for.

Katrina, your crocheting is lovely. I think Button will love it in years to come as soemthing that will provide comfort for those time when comforting is needed. Crocheting is one craft I haven't been able to master but with all the WIPs I have I think Ineed to finish them before attempting soemthing else.

If you are on facebook, Karen Bayley has created a group called Craft After Stroke taht you might like to take a look at https://www.facebook.com/groups/719846364783853/

Toni

Thanks Toni! I'll have a look at that one!

Hi Kat,

OH gosh - I get you!

So much to absorb. To navigate - and to work out what stuff to leave and what to work through. Finding safe people to help with "my stuff" was paramount.

One thing I did find helpful was to work out what was my stuff and what was other people's stuff. I was protective of myself in terms of not wanting to allow other people's worry about me. My aim was to be a parent to our children, to love, grow with and face each day as it unfolded with presence and curiosity. It didn't always happen but that was my purpose!

How lovely to see a picture of "Button"!!

Sue xxoo

Hi Sue,

Right now, all I want is to be a good Mum to our child or children (although I'm not sure I could do a second round of all this rigmarole!). I was worried about whether I was up for the challenge, but my lovely psychologist gave me a great piece of advice: the only things children need are love and consistency. It really made me think twice about some worries, like whether they would understand me when I stutter and loose my words, and whether they would be disadvantaged because I can't always do what they want me to do. But then I think about my nephew (9yo) and niece (3yo) who pretty much only know me as a stroke survivor, and they get along alright with everything.

I've been doing careful research on a whole range of baby-related things, from choosing a change table that is 'solid' and won't run away on me, to selecting clothes that are easy to get on and off (for me and Button!). I've also talked to my husband about having some extra time off when the baby is born, just so I have some additional support for the first few weeks.

I just love showing off photos of Button!!

Kat xxx

Good for you... babies need Mommies, and there is no script written for that.

I was 50 when my daughter was born, had a triple bypass when she was 4 months... nothing missing in raising her, I ended up just trying to deal with all the love I had for my little angel, everything else was easy.

To paraphrase a well-known commercial..."Got Love?" You're all set.