Another Piece of the Puzzle

There have been numerous occasions in my life when a piece of missing information has affected me. Like when I found out my paternal grandmother was adopted, it rewrote my idea of my heritage and where I fit. I went through a period of disequilibrium until I found my balance again.

Today I was at the hospital on an unrelated matter, and of course one of the specialists I was seeing pulled up my file from 2013 to see what the doctors had written about my stroke. The doctor noted that I was readmitted to hospital after initially being released after the stroke. He asked me why - I said I'd had a panic attack at home and was unable to move so an ambulance was called by my Mum and back to hospital I went. He read the MRI report and the notes in my file, and told me what they said. The MRI showed a second stroke. So when I'd had my "panic attack" it was actually another stroke. I'm still somewhat flabbergasted by the news, and more than somewhat angry. What memories I do have from the second admittance to hospital was the lack of information given to me and my husband and family. I remember feeling like a nuisance. I have a memory of my sister trying to get the doctors to come and talk to us, and them flat out ignoring her. My feelings today have ranged through confusion, anger, disappointment, disbelief, a huge dose of anxiety, and 'what now?'.

I'm confused because I don't know why we weren't told. After the second admittance to hospital I developed a stutter and depression. I'm angry because if I knew it would have helped explain why I was feeling like I was, and my family would have been on the look out for further problems. My disappointment in the way I was treated at the time has been renewed. I can't believe the information was withheld. My anxiety was elevated today, partly because of this and partly because of the reason I had to attend the hospital today. And 'what now?' - do I follow this up? Will it do any good? Will I have another stroke? It's rewritten my story again.

There's a quote from John Marsden's 'Tomorrow When The War Began' series that popped into my head just now:

"Life is blank sheet of paper and we draw lines on it. But sometimes our hand is held and the lines we draw aren't the lines we wanted."

There have been so many times when my hand has been held and the lines I've had to draw aren't the lines I wanted. No one wants to have a stroke, and I've tried to make the best of what life has given to me. I live my life with so many medical conditions, lately they seem to rule my life. Remembering to take this medication or that medication, eat right, exercise, get enough sleep... don't get upset... calm down... breathe. I feel like my hand is constantly held by some unknown person or force, and I never wanted any of it.

Another quote that comes to mind is the one from Elizabeth Gilbert about learning to choose your thoughts each day (just like you choose your clothes each day). I'm really trying hard to choose a different way to think about this, but right now I'm still processing the information. I suppose it didn't help that the admin assistant at the hospital clinic today was particularly snappy with me when I arrived without a referral (which she insisted I needed and made me feel a complete fool in front of everyone, but it turned out I actually didn't need one, so there was no need to make me feel that way), and I was there for 4 hours waiting to see a million different people. The waiting room was crowded and noisy, and a part of me just wanted to run out of the hospital and find a quiet place where I could sit and cry in peace. But I held it together until I got to the car.

I don't know what to do with this yet. The new information has rattled me, and my balance has been disrupted. I know I'll find it again, and I'll have to quiet the voice inside me asking "what else haven't they told you?". Sadly this isn't the first time my medical information has been withheld for no apparent reason.

Time to listen to Elton and remember "I'm still standing", and try to find some peace with this. Another piece in the puzzle that is my life!