OVERTHINKING……STILL
The guilt of not engaging -
A few weeks ago, I saw someone I knew at the shops.
A former colleague I’d only seen once or twice since my stroke six years ago. Before that, we’d known each other for years—our daughters had been friends, we’d had outings together, been to each other’s homes, and eventually worked at the same school.
Were we close friends? Not really. But we shared enough life to know each other well.
That day, I had just finished shopping. I was tired, overstimulated, ready to go home.
She saw me —smiled, said a cheerful hello. I smiled & said hello back.
And then my mind flooded. Anxiety began to surface. -
Do I stop?
What if she asks how I am?
What do I even say?
What if I can’t explain it?
Before I knew it, the moment had passed. I kept walking.
I’ve felt guilty ever since.
As a result of my stroke, I was not able to return to my job that I loved. It took over two years to start to realise that & even longer to accept it.
Some colleagues—people who had become my best friends, that I believed would be lifelong friends—were supportive at first. But over time, they drifted away.
I was struggling to accept my new body, my limitations, my life. I was depressed. They didn’t understand why. And eventually, I became tired of trying to explain something that felt impossible to put into words & they wore tired of listening & waiting for me to “get better”.
They continued on—working, socialising, sharing life together.
And I was left behind.
I think the loss of those friendships has shaped how I respond now. Especially when I see someone connected to my old life who has not been active in my new life.
So here I am, doing what I’ve always done—overthinking.
If it happens again, what do I do?
Do I push through the anxiety and face it?
Or do I listen to the quiet boundaries my mind has built to protect me?
Maybe I’m still learning which one