Where's your head at?

Recently, life has become so busy that many of the things I used to do have become things that I don't do. Part of it is related to my unbelievable level of fatigue, part is due to my work situation. Part of it is definitely related to a slight "I just can't be bothered" attitude that sometimes plagues me when I'm overwhelmed.

And my goodness am I overwhelmed.

A few weeks ago I downloaded the Headspace app for my iPad. And then did nothing more about it. Too busy working, catching up on chores, or so tired I fall asleep at 5pm.

Yesterday I started having an anxiety attack. It started about 3pm when I left my parents' house. Realising that tomorrow was another trip to the hospital. By myself. To sit in crowded waiting rooms. To be seen by doctors that I may or may not have seen before. To have to re-explain my whole medical history to someone new. That was anxiety trigger #1.

I was getting my head around it, when a friend of mine sent me a message saying a job had come up in my new field of study. At the school I work casually at (and absolutely love). My anxiety went from 3/10 to 20/10. Thoughts chasing each other. How am I going to do this? Can I do this? What if I don't get it? What if I do...? Can I take up this challenge?

I was exhausted, having fallen asleep on the lounge only to be woken by hubby when he came home. But now I was a bundle of nervous energy. I tossed and turned for hours. I woke feeling like I hadn't slept.

I'm still fighting the anxiety. I've tried a range of "calm down" activities - breathing, drinking a glass of water, tried to rationalise my thoughts. Nothing.

Then I remembered the app, Headspace.

I signed up and did my first session. I fought to calm my breathing. I fought against the vice that seems to be gripping my chest, stopping me from breathing. I closed my eyes even though letting go is terrifying me. And while I don't really feel better for having meditated, I do feel a sense of success that I persevered with it. And set up reminders to meditate every day. And set up 5 'mindful moments' reminders.

Some helpful phrases for today:

Fear: the only way out is through.

I've survived 100% of what life has thrown at me.

I can say no.

Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the acknowledgement that something else is more important than fear.

Time to go face my challenges for today.

And keep breathing. That's the key. Breathe.