Young stroke survivor learning acceptance and the inevitability of change
As I started to recover from my stroke, I just wanted to get back to “normal” life as soon as possible and forget that this had ever happened to me. Even throughout my recovery, I put on a good mask to those around me, sharing my successes and where I was making improvements but often hiding my frustrations, fatigue and the effort it was taking me to perform even simple tasks. I wanted everyone to see me as they had before my stroke, as a physically and mentally strong and independent woman, capable of dealing with anything life threw at me and taking it all in my stride.
For a long time, I would continue to get frustrated at myself, getting annoyed at my brain, feeling that it had let me down, berating myself when my body didn’t work how I wanted it to, annoyed when I would have to ask for help and couldn’t do things for myself and disheartened by the ongoing fatigue I experienced and how I would have to adjust my life accordingly, being mindful of not over-filling my days and making sure I had adequate rest and sleep. I refused to accept my current situation and this lack of acceptance was making my life miserable and making me suffer.
One day while I was out for a walk on a coastal track near my home, I again found my left foot starting to drag and I jumped straight into this critical inner dialogue. Then a voice of reason appeared in my head as I walked through the trees “Why are you beating yourself up and trying to pretend that this didn’t happen? This did happen. You have a brain injury. Change is always inevitable in life. Whether it positively or negatively impacts your life, is up to you and how you choose to respond.” Of course! Suddenly it all made sense in my mind. Whether I'd had a stroke or not, life wasn't always going to remain the same. It was inevitable that things would change and whatever the change, I would have to accept it and choose how to respond. Just because the change had been having a stroke, I still had the power to accept it and choose how to respond. It would always be part of my story but I didn't have to let it define me.
I realised that I needed to accept what had happened, that I’d suffered a stroke and had some permanent brain damage as a result. However, accepting what had happened and where I was in my recovery in that moment didn’t mean that I had to resign myself to this being who I was or how I always would be. After all, as the voice had said “Change is inevitable” so more change would be coming. Accepting meant I could bring myself some peace in this moment and still strive to continue to recover and improve.
Having a stroke had been a scary and debilitating experience and the recovery was tiring and a lot of hard work but by accepting what had happened, allowed me to access a greater sense of gratitude. Gratitude that I had the resilience to work hard, gratitude to continue to push myself, gratitude to allow myself more rest during this time, gratitude for all the discoveries about neuroplasticity and the hope this provided, gratitude that things could and would change and I could take responsibility for what my future looked like and who I would be after my stroke.
It’s been over six years now since my stroke and through my hard work, I’ve made a remarkable recovery. People wouldn’t know that I’d had a stroke just by looking at me. I still feel some minor deficits in how my body moves and am still very mindful of the importance of sleep and rest for my brain but I have achieved so much since my stroke. Not only have I been able to return to “normal” life but I have probably set myself even more challenging goals because of my stroke rather than becoming a victim of what happened and using it as an excuse to not challenge myself. Change is inevitable and through choosing acceptance, I also chose to make my stroke a change for the better as much as possible for the rest of my life.