The dilemma?

“Something they never tell you, and you are very unlikely to read about in some stroke survivors book, is that the perspective gained from having a life altering event, actually tends to piss people off.”

I wrote this a while back in the first thing I wrote about my post-stroke life. Much has changed for me since then. But interestingly enough, this statement seems to be even more pertinent than it ever was. It has become something that fills my mind with internal dilemmas as I strive to be a ‘normal’ person again. Far from the hope I had when I had initially written that statement, there has been no resolution. In fact I find myself torn between the now meaningful and relatively trivial aspects of our daily lives.

I suspect that many of those close to me wish I could get passionately involved in trivial discussions, about football or the best method of putting Vegemite on toast, for example. But to be honest, I just can’t be ars*ed. There is a natural 'give a stuff' filter applied to many daily activities when the level of physical and mental effort required to do them drastically increases. It is now a far more taxing activity to do pretty much anything, so I am far more selective in the activities for which I am willing to actually make an effort.

It is a very weird place to be; where you try as hard as possible to not have every aspect of your life defined by the realities of post-stroke life, BUT knowing that every single aspect of your life is actually defined by the realities of your post-stroke life. It can be completely confusing to forensically examine your interactions with people and while hoping that you are not just seen as some wobbly person dealing with the impacts of significant brain trauma, also kinda annoyed that people don’t see you as some wobbly person dealing with the massive challenges post brain trauma. Do I want recognition for unpacking the dishwasher in record time or should it just be seen as completing a necessary household chore?

It occurs to me that the insights and ‘inspiration’ that aims to enrich our lives by helping identify the truly consequential activities we should be concerning ourselves with are completely ephemeral. It is a rare event that these things truly make a change in behaviour. In my case, my hand was forced. My stroke nearly killed me, my recovery has no ‘completion date’ and the resulting view of the things I should fill my life with is unique to me. Attempting to summarise and impose my newfound wisdoms on those lucky enough to have not gone through this type of life changing event is a ‘zero-sum’ game. I suspect it creates a mix of frustration and annoyance in others. It has taken me awhile, but I get that. I really do. Who wants to listen to some ‘preachy’ slow talking rambler rabbiting on about something that apparently is meaningful? Some people possibly, but I suspect not that many.

It can be quite a difficult aspect of your own personality to accept; what if I am a bit annoying? In the path to normal life of just ‘hanging out’ with friends and family, have I taken a detour to ‘Boringland’? Unless the life-changing event has imbued an inflated level of hubris then it is most important that these newfound wisdoms on life are be ‘followed’ by you. It would be a waste for these lessons to be ignored by those of us fortunate/unfortunate enough to learn them. It should not be expected that everyone else should also just ‘get it man’. It is awesome when they do, but you set yourself up for disappointment and self-doubt if you expect it from others.