A New Beginning
There's a well-known philosophy that goes something like this: start each new day as a new beginning and leave your past in your behind.
I'll admit that I struggle to do this sometimes. The last few months particularly. Anxiety builds up, flash-backs, cyclical thoughts chasing each other around my brain.
Today was another trip to the hospital. I booked early appointments so I might actually be able to salvage some of the afternoon. I got there at 8.25am. I saw the first doctor at 9.30. The second doctor at 10.10. I rushed over to another part of the hospital for a test at 10.50 and then back to the original clinic to sit and wait until 12.45pm to see the last doctor before then going for more tests. We left the hospital at 1.50pm. As I was leaving I realised the doctors hadn't given me my blood test results from the last visit, and I forgot to ask. At least I'm now at liberty to tell you all why I've been at the hospital so much.
After many years of trying and failing to get pregnant, I'm happy to announce I've reached the "safety" of 12 weeks pregnant. So while I'm trilled to have this dream finally come true, it's been a very bumpy ride. I really want to embrace the philosophy of starting fresh each day - a difficult idea to embrace while you're trying to keep your breakfast down!
I'm really trying to see this as a new beginning for me. The first couple of weeks I was doing great: exercising, eating well, meditating. And then everything fell apart. Fatigue, nausea, lack of appetite, disagreeing doctors, waiting hours at the antenatal clinic, anxiety. News that I'd been lied to by the hospital when I had my stroke. The stress and worry of it seemed to rob the sweetness from what should have been the happiest time. I've been trying to hang on to the happiness I felt at the good news. It's so difficult to do when the only evidence you have is the nausea!
Today we had our 12 week scan, and we saw our precious bundle of joy (whom we have affectionately nick-named "Button"). Two arms and two legs, everything where it's supposed to be, and dancing about in it's bubble. My husband couldn't take his eyes off the screen, and I had tears of joy running down my face. I now have a photo of our beautiful baby to remind me of our blessing and remind me that it's a new beginning for us.
I'm trying to start each day fresh, cutting myself slack, being kind to myself. Remembering that there are "two of us" relying on me being okay and taking care of myself. Putting my behind in the past and singing "Hakuna Matata"...
12 down... 28 to go!