Hi Charlotte,
I also shared your question on Stroke Foundation Facebook here are the communities responses:
Tracey Lang : Just be honest children understand a lot more than we give them credit for. He will play a huge part in his fathers rehabilitation, I wish you all well on this journey.
Toni Mcnamara: You should let him see him. I had a stroke when my son was 5, he is now 10 and we talk about why mum couldn't use her arm and hand. He was a big part of my recovery! Your husband needs to see him as he will be a big part of his recovery.
Jodie Niven: Tell him as soon as possible, and keep it matter of fact. Tell him that while his Dad is having issues with speech, movement, memory, etc, everyone is working hard to help him get better where he can.
Give your son a way to help. Giving kids a way to 'help' can give them a focus and a sense of control amongst the unknown, the huge changes, and the fear of seeing his Dad so vulnerable.
For our kids (3 and 5 at the time), I gave them the important 'job' of encouraging and supporting their Dad with Constraint-Induced Movement Therapy. In his case the therapy included doing everything with his 'bad' side, over which he had little control, as impossible as it seemed. The kids painted a skull and crossbones on a black oven mitt to put on their Dad's 'good' hand to remind him not to use that arm/ hand at all, and as a show of strength. It was a small thing but they were so proud to feel they were helping, even when their Dad couldn't communicate the way they were used to.
Humour also helps with the kids. We did our best pirate faces to match the oven mitt, and all agreed, privately, that their Dad had the best one due to the stroke.
For you, try to build strong support around you. It's a long road, and people peel away. It can be emotionally exhausting and socially isolating being the one trying to keep everyone going. xx
Amanda Clayton: Sorry to hear about your husband. Kids are amazing just reassure him that if he has any questions later to come and speak to you. My son was two when his sister aged four had a stroke, kids are amazing they kind of just accept things and move forward. Love trumps all.
Kirra Stimson Be honest. Kids are very resilient. My son was 3.5 when i had my stroke. I had to learn everything again and he helped me, which was great for him. Now 18 months later when my left hand is to weak to do something (we call it my gummy hand) he knows why and can help me with things. He took it in his stride and I believe because we answered all his questions honestly he wasn't scared of what was happening. Tell your husband to stay strong because it's awful but it WILL get easier. A positive attitude is the best thing he can have for his recovery. Make sure you take care of yourself too xx
Ree Alice: My suggestion would be to simply take your son to see him, explaining in whatever words you choose that Daddy is ill/injured and can't talk so well just now, etc etc. The connection is very important - for healing all of you. When I had my stroke my nearest grandchildren were 3 and 6, and they coped just fine. Very matter of fact actually, particularly lthe 3 year old! They visited the hospital, sat on my bed, chatted away even though I was exhausted, drew and made gifts. I've found it's best to have children involved and for the situation to be explained in terms they may understand - better than being kept in the dark and imagining the worst. All the best.
Katie Dobsa: Hi Charlotte, my Daughter was 4 when I had my stroke at 33,my Husband was very honest with her even when he had to tell her at one stage she might not see me the next day due to Brain swelling, she handled it okay and is now 13 and remembers and talks openly about it, every child is different though I wish your family all the best it's not an easy journey, if you ever need someone to listen I'm available, Katie Dobsa
Rozita Maclean-Malek: Hi Charlotte, really to sorry this.
Please be hopeful, my 80 year old mother had a massive stroke 3 years ago, they told me at the emergency she may not make it. Couldn't talk, eat, walk.
She recovered, not fully, but she is with us.
Your husband is much younger, get him the best care, and rehab you can and just love him even more. Its very hard on all of you. I wish you and your family all the best.
Jenny Sellars: Had some experience of this. Children were very anxious before visiting their mother-may have thought she died. They climbed on her bed-hugs and tears all round. They were the reason she tried so hard to get better. The kids and mum looked forward to the visits. Nurses encouraged us to bring photos of loved ones to have near bed or put on window. Don't give up hope.
Barbara Wolfenden:I don't know if this answers your question Charlotte, but there are certainly pearls of wisdom here: http://www.mamamia.com.au/author/zoemacdonald/
Cecelia Cooke I totally agree with Tracey above! Children are very resilient and they have an amazing ability to understand more than you know! He may not understand the details but he'll probably also bring a positivity and hope that you and your husband need right now! My mum had a massive pontine stroke 8 years ago (unfortunately she didn't survive and it's her anniversary next week) but my goddaughter who was 5 at the time, was the most amazing support I could ever ask for in the 10 days from when my mum had her stroke til she passed away
Darren Rickard: Tell him as soon as you can. My daughter was 2, 4 years ago when I had a stroke. She will understand.
Sarah Bond: I think I would say something like, daddy had an accident and is now sick, like when we have a fever and feel really awful and lie in bed a lot, he feels bad too at the moment, and because of that, it's a little bit weird for you when we visit, because he is so tired from being sick.
I hope all goes okay. Yes it's scary for kids, but it's probably harder for them if they feel excluded.
When I had a stroke, multiple small kids visited me in hospital, and they didn't appear too traumatized.
Good luck and lots of strength xx
Christine Foudoulis: Sorry for what you and your family are going through. My kids were 3 and 5 when there dad had a stroke. Don't overthink it, I know it's very scary and very unknown. I told my girls that something happened with dads brain and right now he can't speak properly or walk. Most importantly let him know this won't happen to him or you. My husband was in rehab for 3 months and my kids loved teaching him his alphabet. Good luck I wish you all very well.
