How do I support my Mum and my step-dad who are slowly but surely…

Mum has brain damage from the stroke and is incontinent and can't walk without a walker but is still with it enough to refuse flatly to go to a home. My step-dad acts as if she hasn't had brain damage and let's her still run the show. He leaves her alone is cafes at her request and then she freaks out and calls us all or gets stuck at the table not being able to move as she isn't mobile or needs to go to the toilet but there is no one around to care for her. But she refuses to let carers come to the house or sit with her at a cafe etc. She and my step-dad are a bit of a train wreck but competent enough that we can't do a thing. We know something majorly bad is going to happen but this isn't in any books or literature we are given. And we have no one to steer us through this emotional Mindfield. Really she should be in a home but she refuses. I am the daughter and dad desperately worried as we and our friends get these frantic calls when things like the cafe incident occur but then have to pretend it's all okay when we all try to intervene and Mum and my step-dad shut up shop and pretend it's al okay. It's not sustainable. Mum also gets angry, so angry and cannot be reasoned with about needing carers to help them. Stubborn to the point of her own detriment.

Hi Laura,

Thank you for contacting the Stroke Foundation.

We are so sorry to hear about the challenges you are currently facing. It must be a really worrying time for you.

This is a very familiar scenario, a lot of young family members find it challenging convincing their aging parents or relatives to accept caregiving services. We recommend having regular conversations with your mum and step dad about the possibility of future health problems. It might feel like you are not being heard, however, through repetitive talks it can help to keep your communication channels ope and make a difference.

Making an appointment to see your mums GP might be helpful for you, you can express your concerns to them and they might have better luck convincing your mum of the benefits of accepting help. You have a few options, you can speak to the GP alone to discuss your concerns and then make an appointment for yourself, your mum and step dad. The GP might be able to give you a referral to a community health social worker or nurse who can help to further support you through this challenging time.

You might also reach out to My Aged Care to explore respite care options for your Mum. To give you a break, Carers Australia can also talk about respite services that might be of help. We also highly recommend creating an Emergency Care Plan for your mum. Contact the Carer Gateway on 1800 422 737 for information about planned and emergency respite and other carer supports.

Also remember, if your mum and step dad refuse assisted living and caregiving services, it's important to still give love and support. Should your parents continue to decline support services, remember that it is nobody's fault and you should not feel liable nor guilty for that. By starting the conversation with your parents and expressing your concerns, you are doing everything possible to show you care and are looking out for their best interest.

I hope you find this helpful.

Please feel free to contact the StrokeLine on 1800 787 653 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm) if you have any more questions and would like to speak to someone.

Warm regards,

Chloe

Social work student